Susan

February 24, 2026

shrek and the gingerbread man- shrekking

Have you ever found yourself dating someone even though you’re not really attracted to them, but you think “Well, I’m out of their league so maybe they won’t treat me badly?” If so, you might’ve been shrekking. Sure, it might sound funny, but the concept is very real in modern dating, and something that has become normalized in society nowadays.

Shrekking gets its name from, yes, the ogre himself. Just like Fiona settled for Shrek instead of Prince Charming, people sometimes settle in hopes of finding safety in a relationship. But unlike in the movie, it doesn’t always have a fairytale ending. In reality, shrekking can have its very real consequences. Think of it as the “safe” approach to dating. Instead of going after the person who gives you butterflies, you go for the one who feels like a guaranteed win; someone you assume won’t cheat, ghost, or break your heart because they should be grateful to be with you. And in today’s day and age with dating, it doesn’t seem too crazy. But it can lead to dissatisfaction, awkwardness, and a relationship that you just honestly aren’t happy in.

So, What Is Shrekking?

Shrekking is when you intentionally date someone you don’t find attractive in hopes they’ll “treat you better” because they are out of your league. It’s the idea that if you’re with someone who isn’t conventionally attractive, you won’t have to worry about them cheating, disrespecting you, or playing ‘mind games.’ At its core, shrekking is actually a defense mechanism. It’s less about the other person and more about protecting yourself from the possibility of getting hurt. Instead of taking the risk of being with someone you’re truly drawn to (and potentially being rejected or mistreated), you settle for someone you’re not physically attracted to, just because it feels safer in a way.

But, this obviously comes with its own problems. Dating someone purely out of fear rather than genuine interest often leads to unfulfillment, resentment, and honestly, a lot of awkwardness. Plus, there’s no guarantee they won’t hurt you in the end anyway.

Why Do People Shrek?

There are so many reasons to explain why someone might fall into shrekking. While it might just be a desire to be treated right, it often runs deeper than this.

Past relationship trauma such as being cheated on, manipulated, or harshly dumped can honestly be pretty traumatic. It can lead to fears of heartbreak, which might lead to someone subconsciously trying to avoid it again by lowering their standards.
Low self-esteem can sometimes lead people to believe they don’t deserve the partner they actually want, so they tend to go for someone they think they “should” be with instead.
Fear of rejection because if you don’t risk dating someone you’re into, you can’t get rejected…right?
Loneliness is a problem leading to shrekking. When someone feels lonely and craves intimacy, they may lean towards someone they aren’t actually attracted to just to fulfill that need for love.

How It Feels To Be In A Shrekking Relationship

Honestly? It feels pretty empty. At first, you might convince yourself that you’re making a good choice by avoiding all of the typical risks that go with traditional dating . You think you are mitigating relationships filled with potential for heartbreak and rejection. But over time, the lack of real chemistry and genuine connection becomes obnoxiously obvious. You might find yourself nitpicking, avoiding intimacy, getting “icked,” or even just being straight-up bored. Suddenly, what once felt like a safe choice might start to feel frustratingly dull. That feeling of boredom and lack of excitement is likely to grow stronger every day. And the worst part? It’s simply just not fair to your partner either because they deserve someone who is truly excited to be with them, not someone who’s settling. Initially, shrekking seems harmless, but IRL, it creates dissatisfaction and resentment for both people in the relationship.

Can Shrekking Ever Work?

While it’s definitely not the most traditional form of dating, shrekking does have its potential. Sometimes, attraction can grow. If you start off not being physically attracted to someone, you can definitely grow to appreciate their personality, humor, and heart which can lead to a strong, healthy relationship. But if you’re shrekking purely to avoid being hurt, the relationship probably won’t last, with both you and your partner being able to sense the lack of connection. At that point, you’re probably better off talking to a matchmaker to get set up with someone you actually are compatible with. And at Exclusive Matchmaking, we’re able to do just that.

What To Do Instead Of Shrekking

If you recognize that you’ve been shrekking, it’s honestly not the end of the world. It just means that you’re trying to protect yourself. Instead, here are some healthier alternatives:

Work on self-love and remind yourself that you do deserve someone you’re attracted to, who also treats you well
Set boundaries if you’re worried about being mistreated or hurt. Focus on building better boundaries in future relationships rather than lowering your standards
Heal from past heartbreak by going to therapy or journaling. Even open conversations with others can help you unpack why you feel like you need to settle
Date with intention instead of defaulting to what feels safe. You also to be honest about your desires in a partner both emotionally and physically.

While shrekking might look like a smart way to date in a society full of ghosting and manipulators, it usually just leaves both people unsatisfied in reality. The truth is, you deserve to be with someone you’re excited about and who treats you well. These things aren’t mutually exclusive. When you settle out of fear of being single, it keeps you from finding the best person and love that you deserve. So the next time you’re tempted to shrek, remind yourself: love isn’t about lowering your standards, but it’s about finding the right person that meets them.

If you’ve found yourself in a position where you’re doubting your ability to be loved and find the right person, don’t be afraid to reach out for coaching. The right person is out there for you, and you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve out of fear of heartbreak or emotional trauma. You can always sign up to become a matchmaking client and let us weed out the crappy men for you, so you don’t have to waste your time on someone you’re not attracted to.