Susan
May 5, 2025
Have you ever felt like you’re giving your all in a relationship, but the other person feels just…out of reach? Maybe they’re never talking about their personal life, or maybe they’re refusing to label things as anything more than just “casual.” Either way, it’s frustrating when you’re interested in someone and they say they’re interested in you, but as we all know, actions speak louder than words.
You’re probably thinking it’s you, but trust me — it’s not. Odds are, they’re the problem. This classic “hot-and-cold” behavior is a major sign of emotional unavailability: someone who says all the right things, but seems to consistently stray away from commitment. But, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Before getting into a relationship, it’s crucial to first be able to identify the warning signs of emotional unavailability and understand what it really means, why it happens, and how to address it. Do you think you’re talking to an emotionally unavailable person? Look no further, because I’ve got all the answers you’re searching for— here’s your crash course on emotional unavailability.
What Does ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ Actually Mean?
Now I’m sure you’re thinking OK, maybe the person I’m with is emotionally unavailable, but what does that even mean? And honestly, it’s not as complicated as it may seem. Being emotionally unavailable essentially means that you’re unable to express or handle emotions, whether it’s yours or someone else’s. This often results in a lack of commitment on their end and a fear of emotional vulnerability. If you’ve ever heard someone say “I’m just not ready for a relationship,” ding ding ding! They’re probably emotionally unavailable.
Emotional unavailability isn’t always intentional or even obvious. Most people that are emotionally unavailable don’t do it on purpose — maybe there’s that one person that simply doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings, but most of the time, an individual is emotionally unavailable due to their own personal issues.
Emotional unavailability also doesn’t always have to manifest in romantic relationships; it can happen in friendships or even with family members too. In fact, many people grow up with emotionally unavailable parents who have taught them to suppress their emotions at all times.
And sometimes, you can’t even tell when a person is emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re just assuming that they’re a closed-off person that keeps their business to themselves, and hey — maybe they really are, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be kept at a distance. But in order to determine if someone is emotionally unavailable or not, it’s crucial to be able to identify the warning signs of emotional unavailability.
Signs of Emotional Unavailability
Honestly, emotional unavailability can harvest inside of a person in so many different ways. While it’s difficult to confidently say that someone is emotionally unavailable when they won’t admit it, there are definitely some key red flags to look out for that can point towards emotional unavailability.
- Avoids deep conversations
- Hot-and-cold behavior
- Overly independent or distant
- Lack of effort
- Difficulty expressing their feelings
- Fear of commitment or vulnerability
- Makes you feel like you’re “too much”
- Emotionally reactive or shut down
- Avoiding intimacy
- Emotionally avoidant
- Aren’t available
Why Are People Emotionally Unavailable?
Trust me when I say that it’s never because of you. Someone’s emotional unavailability is never because of the person they’re with; it often has to do with what’s going on in their life, whether past or present. Someone can be emotionally unavailable for so many reasons: past trauma, fear of rejection/being hurt, low self-awareness or emotional intelligence, stress, mental health issues, one’s attachment style — the list goes on and on.
There’s never an easy way to determine why someone is emotionally unavailable and maybe they don’t even know themselves. And sometimes, it doesn’t matter why someone is emotionally unavailable, but what matters is that they’re willing to grow and change.
How It Feels To Be in a Relationship with Someone Emotionally Unavailable
Spoiler alert: it feels like crap. If you’re in a relationship with a person that’s emotionally unavailable, you’ll often experience emotional confusion and random bursts of inconsistency, as well as feeling unseen and even unworthy at times. It’s really difficult when you so desperately want to make things work, but it doesn’t feel like they do. This often leads to overfunctioning in an attempt to maintain the connection, and even emotional burnout. And sometimes, you can feel lonely even in the relationship because of your partner’s emotional unavailability.
Can They Change? Can The Relationship Work?
Being emotionally unavailable isn’t something that can just change overnight; someone has to truly be willing to change and want to be better in order to become emotionally available.
Anyone can say they’ll change, but the determining factor is if they really mean it.
But, how can you tell if someone is really willing to change? Honestly, communication is the biggest sign that someone is moving towards growth. If they won’t communicate, you might as well say goodbye because trust me when I say that they aren’t planning on changing anytime soon.
For someone to become emotionally available, they need to prioritize self-reflection and therapy. Taking some time to self-reflect — whether you’re reflecting on your communication habits, previous relationships, or past trauma — is the first step to becoming emotionally available. And while it isn’t required, therapy is truly a space to process your emotions and develop a sense of emotional awareness.
Now, what do you do if they don’t think they need to change? It’s crucial to determine if they’re just unaware, or if they’re unwilling. Do they not see anything wrong with their lack of emotional availability, and don’t see a need to change? Or do they know they’re emotionally unavailable but just simply don’t care? While it may not seem like a big difference, it honestly means a lot.
If someone doesn’t know that they’re emotionally unavailable, this is a great opportunity to sit them down and have a heart-to-heart about their feelings and lack of communication — even if they don’t want to. But if they don’t want to change, then there’s no need to keep someone in your life if they aren’t benefiting you in every way they should. Emotional availability isn’t something you can force onto someone. If someone doesn’t feel safe or ready to open up, pushing them will only make them more uncomfortable and less likely to be vulnerable with you.
Am I emotionally unavailable? What to Do If You Recognize This In Yourself
So, you’re reading this and seeing some of this in yourself. If you’re wondering if you may be emotionally unavailable, trust me when I say that you aren’t alone in this. So many people worldwide struggle with emotional unavailability — it isn’t anything to be scared of. The best ways to fight emotional unavailability is honestly journaling and therapy.
You can start by practicing expressing your needs — whether it’s to yourself or someone else — and naming emotions you feel. It’s crucial to take small steps towards vulnerability; what matters most is that you’re recognizing the problem and working to change.
Recognizing emotional unavailability isn’t a dead end — it’s the beginning of either healthier boundaries or deeper healing. And with this, you need to remember that if someone you know is emotionally unavailable, it’s never your fault. Sometimes, people have things they need to work on within themselves, and that’s OK.
If you’ve been with an emotionally unavailable individual and if you need some extra support, you can always reach out for coaching. Remember: you’re not alone, and this doesn’t diminish your ability to love and be loved. You can alway sign up to become a matchmaking client and let us weed out the emotionally unavailable prospects, so you don’t waste time with the wrong person.