Susan
June 21, 2021
It’s a tale as old as time: you’ve found your potential dream girl, but you think she’s unattainable. Now you’re wondering how to attract a woman of her caliber — and keep her. If there’s anything you can take away from blockbuster movies like Hitch, Long Shot, and She’s Out of Your League — it’s that almost nothing is impossible when it comes to matters of the heart. Learning how to make a woman fall in love with you starts with building up your confidence — if you carry yourself like you’re on her level and fully deserve her, that’s how she’ll see you.
So, is anyone ever truly out of your league? The answer is yes and no. Some women, particularly those who are younger with less love experience, may be more inclined to focus a lot on your looks. But for every one of those superficial women, there’s plenty more who are open-minded and looking for a genuine connection with someone who makes them laugh, takes care of their emotional needs, and challenges them in new ways — regardless of their appearance.
A 2018 study at the University of Michigan found that men (and women) tend to pursue partners who are on average about 25% more desirable than themselves. But here’s the thing: the sooner you stop focusing so much on what you don’t have (Channing Tatum’s abs, or George Clooney’s jawline) and pinpointing what you do have to offer, the more likely you are to put your best foot forward when approaching a woman to ask her out.
In my years of experience matchmaking and date coaching, here’s what I’ve learned about how to attract a woman who’s out of your league — and better yet, make her fall for you.
Focus on the things you can control.
Look, the reality is, you can’t change your genetics. So, there’s no use obsessing over the fact that you’re 5’8, can’t grow a full beard, or don’t have a thick head of hair. Rather than fixinating on the things you can’t control about yourself, start thinking about the things you can improve — like your wardrobe, your grooming habits, your fitness level, and your career. Women are attracted to men who take good care of themselves because it subconsciously suggests that you’re not only going to take care of them, too, but they also associate it with good health and success. It’s one of the reasons why I often do wardrobe consultations with new clients — some guys just don’t know how to dress (especially for their physique).
You’d be amazed at how much dressing yourself well and working out a few times a week can do for your attractiveness level. Not only that, but these habits will also help to boost your confidence, making you even more attractive.
Work on your self-esteem.
Speaking of confidence, there’s nothing more attractive to a woman than a guy who can command a room — someone who clearly knows their worth, what they want and how to get it. If you’re unhappy with or unsure of who you are, a woman will be able to sense that before you even open your mouth to say hello. In the movie Hitch, the beautiful Allegra Cole takes notice of Albert (played by Kevin James) because A) he assertively stands up for her in a board meeting and B) he isn’t afraid of making a fool out of himself on the dance floor at her friend’s event. (Take notes, guys!)
The best way to increase your confidence is to start taking stock of what’s negatively impacting your self-image. Don’t like your body? Schedule a free consultation with a personal trainer to figure out a new workout routine. Insecure about your career? Either learn to appreciate the path you’ve chosen or work with a life coach to carve out a new one. And remember: you can always fake it ‘till you make it. Any woman, even if she wouldn’t have otherwise noticed you, will be impressed if you can stroll right up to her and strike up a conversation.
Make yourself stand out.
Here’s a question: what makes you unique? According to a well-known phenomenon called the Von Restorff Effect, we’re always more likely to pay attention to things that stand out from the crowd. (It’s why your eye is immediately drawn to the one blonde in a room full of brunettes.) Use this to your benefit and figure out what sets you apart from the rest — whether it’s an uncommon hobby or specialized knowledge about something.
Even if you can’t pinpoint what your unique qualities are, there are so many ways to make a strong first impression — everyone texts and is super flaky nowadays, so call to ask her out, take the lead in planning an epic first date, and follow up with a text the next day to say you had a great time.
Exhibit dominant body language.
Did you know that effective flirting is only 7% what you say? As it turns out, studies have shown that 38% is how you say it, and a whopping 55% is body language.
Before you’ve even struck up a convo with a woman, she’s already formed an opinion on you based on your posture, gestures, and other nonverbal communication cues.
Here are some ways to attract a woman with your body language:
- Keep your chin up: This emanates a certain self-confidence and energy.
- Stand up straight: Good posture with your shoulders back screams self-assurance. A wide stance will help you to feel grounded and confident as well.
- Point your feet and shoulders toward her: Angling yourself toward her indicates that you’re interested.
- Smile! A 2014 study found that the attractiveness of a person increased depending on how intense of a smile they had.
Break the touch barrier.
This can be a little complicated because obviously, unwanted physical contact can totally turn a woman off. That said, if you’ve been chatting with a woman for a little while and you feel like you’ve built up a certain level of rapport (she’s making eye contact and engaging with you by asking you questions, etc.), then consider breaking the touch barrier in a very subtle way. That doesn’t mean planting a kiss on her, or anything equally aggressive, though. A 2006 study conducted in France found that when a man touched a woman lightly on her forearm, there was a greater chance that she would give him her phone number. So, consider starting there.
Listen to her.
Truly, don’t underestimate the power of listening to a woman. Studies have shown that being a good listener is an attractive trait to women because it suggests they’ll make better partners. Show her you’re actively listening by repeating or bringing up details she’s mentioned earlier in the conversation, during a recent text exchange, or on a previous date. Trust me: she’ll notice that you remembered these things because it shows that you care enough to listen.
Find your passions.
Women are drawn to men who are passionate about something — literally, anything. It doesn’t matter if it’s playing guitar, starting your own company, cooking, reading, or traveling the world. As long as it’s something you’re genuinely interested in pursuing and you’re actively making an effort to get better at it, that will come across when you talk about it (and she won’t be able to resist that twinkle in your eye when you do).
In fact, one University of Illinois study found that having any hobby improves your attractiveness to a potential date.
…Then find things in common.
Research has shown that women like men who they feel like they know. (By the way, this is why so many on-again, off-again couples keep ending up back together again — they’d rather be with someone familiar than someone new.)
So, how do you make yourself feel familiar to a woman who doesn’t know you? Find common ground. Figure out what about your hobbies, interests, education, family upbringing, friendships, career paths, etc. are similar, and then make it a point to highlight those in conversation.
Make her laugh.
This is perhaps the simplest yet most effective thing you can do to win a woman over.
There have been tons of studies that indicate women love laughing, and furthermore, that humor is closely associated with social status. So, the more you can make her giggle, the more her opinion of you will soar. Your sense of humor can speak to your intellect, your perspective on life, and your overall personality — all of which can tell her whether or not you’re a desirable mate.
The bottom line? Don’t be afraid to crack a joke or two in those early convos to gauge whether or not you share the same sense of humor.
Remember, guys — if you follow all of these steps and she’s still not interested, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean you’re not a catch, nor that you won’t find romantic bliss someday. It just means that you and that person probably aren’t compatible. But if you still aren’t meeting the right woman, and you’re making an effort to leverage all of the aforementioned tips, it may be time to work with a professional matchmaker or dating coach to figure out where you’re going wrong. Sometimes it takes the outside perspective of an unbiased professional to identify what habits are holding you back from finding love.