Susan
January 2, 2022
There’s something about the end of one year and the beginning of a new one that naturally inspires you to take stock of your old habits and start some smarter ones. This well-researched phenomenon is called the “fresh start effect” — landmarks, like a new year, motivate people to set goals. If your goal involves figuring out how to find love in 2022, I’ve got news for you: you don’t have to spend hours tirelessly swiping on those dating apps to attain that happily ever after. In fact, many of the best dating tips I have to offer have nothing to do with looking for other singles, but rather, working on yourself.
The more time and effort you put into examining and changing the patterns that are keeping you “stuck,” the more likely you are to recognize real love with lasting potential when you find it. In short, it’s time to turn inward. What shortcomings may be preventing you from attracting the partner you desire? What unhealthy beliefs or tendencies are driving you toward toxic people? How can you build yourself up so that you have the confidence to go after what you want, and the resilience to handle rejection when it doesn’t work out?
I know it isn’t easy to turn inward. It feels vulnerable. It requires recognizing your weaknesses. But in doing so, you’re setting yourself up for dating success. Because at the end of the day, you can’t control what other people do — all you can control is your own actions and behavior. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: you attract what you give off. In other words, only when you are mentally and emotionally healthy will you be able to land a partner who is as well.
So, ready to make some positive changes? Cheers to a new year, a new outlook, and a new and exciting chapter for love. Follow these foolproof dating tips and odds are, you won’t be single for very long.
Ditch the loser who doesn’t make you happy.
Newsflash: If the person you’re with constantly disappoints you, consistently can’t meet your needs, or refuses to commit to you, it’s time to cut them loose. Hanging on to someone who isn’t making you happy because you’re hoping they’ll suddenly change is going to waste a lot of your precious time — time you could spend meeting and getting to know someone who is a good fit for you. You’ll never meet “the one” if you’re hung up on the wrong one.
So, as they say — out with the old and in with the new. Breaking up is hard to do, but trust me on this one: the only regret you’ll have when looking back is that you didn’t split sooner.
Clear your head from unrealistic fantasies.
Many singles are unknowingly sabotaging their own chances of meeting someone great because they’re mentally hung on someone. It could be an ex they can’t let go of, or someone they only know from a distance but are convinced is their happily ever after. Real, lasting love doesn’t happen in your head. And it can be far too easy to get swept away by a fantasy. But these fantasies can hold you back — for example, if you’re still obsessing over the idea of getting back together with your last partner, you may totally miss out on the amazing person standing right in front of you at a party, work gathering, wedding, or another event.
Bottom line? Clear your mind of “the one who got away” and you’ll have a much easier time recognizing someone great when you see them. Whether that means meditating, working with a therapist or dating coach, practicing self-care, or keeping yourself busy with healthy distractions, the point is that you’ll be far more likely to actually achieve your romantic goals IRL, rather than just in your head.
Work through your baggage.
Everyone has a few scrapes and scars from previous experiences that can creep into their love lives. For instance, maybe your parents failed to show you consistent affection, and now you find yourself being extra needy in relationships. Or maybe your ex cheated on you, leaving you with some serious trust issues. Regardless of what baggage you’re carrying around, it’s time to dig deep and work through it. Otherwise, it may prove next to impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone new.
Since it can be very challenging to examine yourself in this way, I highly recommend working with a dating coach. An unbiased third party can not only help you to identify what your current baggage is and why you’re still struggling with it, but also offer clear-cut advice on what you need to do to move past it. When new clients come to me unsure of why they keep accidentally sabotaging their own dating chances, I can often tell right away what baggage is getting in their way. Once you’re ready to really take a good look at your destructive beliefs and thought patterns, you can start replacing those with healthier and positive alternatives that will make you a more attractive, emotionally strong, and desirable partner.
Figure out your dating pattern and correct it.
If you’re unhappy with your dating life, I can guarantee you one thing: You’ve probably fallen into a pattern that is no longer serving you. Some singles like to blame their lack of success on others — “There are no good single men left!” or “I just seem to attract shallow women!” — but the reality is, it’s time to start taking responsibility for your own self-sabotaging habits.
So, what’s your pattern? Do you procrastinate on committing until the other person gets fed up and leaves? Do you get friend-zoned with every woman you like? Do you keep ending up with narcissists, cheaters, or flakes? It’s time to figure out why you’re making these decisions. Once you understand the root cause of your tendencies, you can start making modifications that promote healthier relationships. For example, if you always end up in the friend zone because you don’t have the confidence needed to make a move, then you’ll want to focus on building your self-esteem. By the way — a dating coach can help you with this. I’ve coached many men on being more assertive and self-assured in their dating lives so they can find love, not just friendship, with the woman of their dreams.
Learn your value and set expectations accordingly.
My motto is: you get what you put up with. So, are you willing to accept someone who walks all over you, disrespects your boundaries, or takes from you without giving in return? Expect more. Better yet, work on believing that you deserve more, and that way, you can hold any future partners accountable. Start by making a list of all the skills and positive qualities you can bring to the table in a relationship. Are you a compassionate listener? Generous with your time? Have a great sense of humor? If you need to, ask friends for their take on what your biggest strengths are. Once you’ve drafted your list, read it every single day. Eventually, it’ll start sinking in that you have a lot to offer in a relationship, and therefore, should only be with someone who not only appreciates all of those qualities but also has a lot to offer in return.
Don’t commit to exclusivity in the first 3 months.
It may seem like a fairytale at first. One week in they’re already planning a romantic weekend getaway, and by the third date, they’re uttering those three little words. But here’s the truth: when someone is pushing your relationship to move at warp speed, that’s actually a big red flag.
Narcissists and controlling personalities very often like to lock things down ASAP — because they like to dictate the pace, they thrive on the thrill of making you swoon over them, and fast-tracking intimacy means they get what they want out of you sooner. Unfortunately, when you get in too deep too fast, you don’t have a chance to see who they really are before committing. Then, three months in, when you have your first argument, it may become crystal clear that they’re not only completely different than the person who swept you off your feet but probably incapable of forming a healthy bond.
The lesson here? Slow and steady wins the race. Anyone worth being with will be willing to wait for those feelings to grow. By taking your time in dating, you’re allowing yourself the opportunity to get to know all facets of the other person — not just the ones they want you to see — before making any decisions about your future.
Let someone else set you up.
One reason why many singles struggle to find lasting love is that they have what’s called a “bad picker.” They keep chasing after the same type of person — say, a bad boy with a fear of commitment, a beautiful but shallow woman who’s only after their money, or a controlling man who they mistake for caring and protective. Then they wonder why all their relationships seem to end the same way. If you’ve been having deja vu in dating — and not in a good way — it’s probably a good idea to shake things up and get out of your comfort zone. Specifically, letting someone else find you a date can prevent you from falling prey to those same old toxic habits.
For instance, working with a matchmaker can be a game-changer. I can help get to the bottom of what your real dating priorities, values, and dealbreakers are, and then connect you with other like-minded singles who actually complement your lifestyle. Moreover, I help to separate your needs from your wants, which is a crucial exercise for setting realistic expectations and ultimately, finding happiness. If you aren’t ready to work with a matchmaker or can’t afford one, consider asking a trusted friend, sibling, or coworker if they know any single people they think would be a good match for you. Who knows? You may just be surprised that the people who know you best have a better picker than you do — because they can see from an unbiased perspective what it is you really need from a partner.
Work on your communication skills.
Particularly in this day and age, where people are busier than ever and have more devices to be reached on, communication skills are what can make you stand out from the crowd. Seriously, don’t underestimate how much texting someone back promptly or calling them to follow up on a date can make a difference in winning them over. This shows several things: that you’re conscientious, that you care, and that you’re reliable, all of which are highly desirable traits in a partner.
Look — I get it. Not everyone is into texting. But the reality is that these channels of digital communication have become so prevalent that someone might take it personally if you aren’t getting back to them in a timely manner. So, here’s an opportunity for you to communicate! Tell your dates from the get-go what your communication style is so they can adjust their expectations. For example, you might say, “I’m not big on texting, except for quick things like solidifying plans, but just so you know I’m always down for a deep chat on the phone!”
Communication skills can make or break any dating situation. Case in point: if the fact that a date hasn’t introduced you to their friends is bothering you, and you don’t say anything to them about it, you’ll probably end up building resentment until you explode — and then they’ll be blindsided. So, once again, make it a point to start sharing your needs, wants, and feelings with the people you’re dating. It may feel scary at first, but it’ll pay off in the long run by helping you to A) better evaluate your compatibility with someone early on and B) avoid unnecessary conflicts.
Aim to be the person you’re looking for.
It’s common to think a lot about what you want in a partner. But have you ever thought about what kind of partner you want to be? If you have a laundry list of dating must-haves, take a moment to think about whether or not you check those boxes as well.
For example, let’s say you’re looking for someone who’s solid and dependable. Or maybe you want to meet someone who’s patient and calm when things don’t go as planned. Can you say the same about yourself? Sometimes, we are attracted to people to fill our “voids” so to speak — to provide all the things we lack. It’s natural to have some opposing strengths from your partner, but the point is that you should always be working on owning all the qualities that you seek. That way, you aren’t ever fully dependent on someone else to meet your needs, and you can make sure you’re always pulling your own weight in a give-and-take relationship.
As you focus on self-development in the new year, strive to be the partner you’re looking for. That way, you not only have a greater chance of attracting someone with those same qualities, but you’ll also have a stronger sense of self-sufficiency that will serve you while you’re single.