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Is Flirting Cheating? How To Know With This Gray Area

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Susan

Is he cheating? Girlfriend looking over shoulder

A little playful banter with your coworker during happy hour, a smooth compliment sent via DM, or a suggestive smirk while sustaining eye contact with a stranger — flirting can give anyone quite a thrill (not to mention, a confidence boost). But when you’re in a relationship? It’s tricky territory. Some say a little bit of flirting with someone else is totally harmless. Others argue that it’s flat out wrong — and a sign you’re not fully devoted to your partner. This begs the question: Is flirting cheating? Or is it actually just a normal and natural human instinct that’s healthy to indulge once in a while?

The short answer is — yes, it can be, but not always. I wish I could give you a clear-cut answer, but it’s a complicated subject because we all have differing ideas of what constitutes infidelity. That said, there are ways to tell when flirting has crossed the line — and fortunately for you, I’m going to break down the difference between an innocent interaction and a potentially damaging one once and for all.

Does flirting count as cheating?

According to the State of Dating in America report conducted by Christian Mingle and JDate, 82% of women and 56% of men said they considered sexting or online flirting a form of infidelity. Interestingly, just one year later, the number of women who felt flirty messages were cheating dropped to 68%, while the number of men who believed that decreased to 51%. In other words, it seems that our definition of cheating has been evolving, and that’s no surprise, given that technology and social media in particular have opened up all these new possibilities for temptation. Before, someone’s only opportunities for flirting happened IRL. Now, between Instagram, Facebook, texting, and the many other avenues for connecting with other attractive people, there are many gray areas when it comes to what’s kosher.

In a 2017 HuffPost/YouGov poll, 79% of U.S. adults said they would consider it cheating if their partner sent sexy text messages to someone else. There is a gender divide, though — women were notably more likely to consider that behavior cheating than men.

So, the bottom line is: It depends who you ask, but more importantly, it depends on the form of flirting.

Is flirting OK when you’re in a relationship?

For most, the idea of cheating calls to mind having sex with or hooking up with someone else. But there’s another common — and equally deadly form of cheating to know about: emotional cheating. This entails betraying your SO by looking to someone else for emotional gratification, rather than the physical kind. Flirting is a slippery slope, which means that if you’re engaging in it with someone that you’re seeing on a semi-regular basis, it could definitely snowball into an emotional affair. Signs of emotional cheating include going to someone else outside of your relationship (who you’re also attracted to) for support, or telling them things you don’t tell your partner.

Flirting may be considered OK if it’s a one-time interaction, and you don’t intend for it to lead anywhere. For example, if a cute stranger pays you a compliment while in line for coffee, engaging in a little back-and-forth flirty banter may not be a big deal. On the other hand, exchanging flirty texts with someone you work with could very quickly escalate into emotional cheating.

In an informal Twitter poll conducted by journalist Monique Judge, 26.1% of people said flirting was cheating, 24.4% said it wasn’t, and a whopping 49.4% said it depends. So, there you have it. There are two questions you need to ask yourself in determining whether or not your or your partner’s flirting is harmless or not:

What’s the intention behind it?

They may say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but in actuality, it’s a key consideration when it comes to flirting. If you flirt with someone because it feels good but you have absolutely no intention of hooking up with them, forming any kind of emotional bond with them, or pursuing anything further with them, then it may very well be fine. On the other hand, if you’re secretly starting to imagine what it might be like to sleep with them or already plotting out how to see them again, then you’re dangerously teetering on the edge of cheating.

How would my partner feel about this behavior?

Honestly, you’ll never know if your actions are crossing the line until you and your SO have an open and honest discussion about your boundaries. When in doubt, just ask how they feel about different types of flirting. Then you can both avoid any potentially hurtful or otherwise damaging misunderstandings.

When is flirting crossing the line?

Again, this will vary from relationship to relationship, because everyone has their own personal feelings about what constitutes cheating, and what forms of flirting they’d be OK with. Hence, getting on the same page with your partner is crucial to making sure you’re never crossing any lines.

If you want an easy way to know whether or not your flirting is innocuous, ask yourself this question: Do I feel the need to hide this behavior from my partner? Doing something behind your partner’s back and deliberately trying to hide it adds a whole other level of betrayal. And as a general rule of thumb, if you’d be uncomfortable with your partner witnessing your flirting, then it’s probably not cool. So, next time you’re on the fence, picture that your SO is right next to you and ponder how they’d feel about your actions. Would it be awkward? Or could your flirting be interpreted as mere friendliness? I once knew a woman whose boyfriend had to go to a wedding date-less, and when she found out via a mutual friend that he was dancing with another girl there for an extended period of time, she was upset. The problem was that she didn’t feel like she was allowed to be upset, because — it’s just dancing, right? Here’s the thing, though. I pointed out to her that her boyfriend very likely wouldn’t have been dancing with another girl right in front of her, which makes his behavior pretty inconsiderate and dishonest. He knew he could get away with it because she wasn’t present at that particular wedding, and that’s shady.

What is microcheating?

In recent years, the term “microcheating” has emerged to describe many of the smaller acts of infidelity that occur through texting, social media, etc. It’s essentially flirting in secrecy, and it’s a hotly debated topic because the boundaries can get pretty blurry online. For example, some might feel that hitting “like” an attractive person’s Instagram is no big deal, while others might consider that a betrayal. Here are some examples of flirting that may veer into microcheating territory:

  • Commenting with certain flirty words/emojis on social media posts
  • DMing someone you find attractive
  • Frequently engaging with someone you find attractive on social media, such as by watching their IG/Snapchat stories
  • Sending someone a selfie

The best way to determine whether you’re microcheating is to consider whether or not you’re deliberately hiding your actions from your partner. Would you feel guilty if they saw that “like” or DM? If so, then you’re probably crossing a line.

Seeing as there’s no one-size-fits-all definition of cheating, I highly encourage you to sit down with your SO and talk about what you’re OK with. Creating clear guidelines on what is and isn’t off-limits is the only way to ensure that neither of you is unknowingly betraying the other. You may not see eye to eye on everything, which may mean you both need to modify your behavior and strike compromises until you are on the same page. The important thing is that neither of you dismisses or minimizes the other one’s feelings and that you both feel heard and respected. Don’t be afraid to get as specific as possible, either. Is hanging out with a coworker one-on-one acceptable? What about texting an ex? If you think someone’s photo is cute and you tap that heart button, is that a no-no? The more ground you can cover, the better. And remember: This will likely not just be a one and done conversation, but rather a series of ongoing discussions — so keep checking in with each other as new situations involving potential flirting arise.

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