Susan
August 26, 2024
Cheating used to be a pretty cut-and-dry concept: it meant sleeping with someone else.
But in case you haven’t noticed, technology has forced us to reconsider what “counts”
as cheating. Thanks to the proliferation of smartphones, dating apps, and social media,
it’s easier than ever to meet and communicate with others. That means new avenues
for flirting, building emotional connections, and even sharing racy photos (see:
“microcheating.”) The latest tech-driven controversy involves artificial intelligence —
begging the question: Is an AI girlfriend cheating?
It’s a fair question. Those who defend having an AI side chick might say it doesn’t count
as infidelity because she isn’t human. A 2023 survey by Illicit Encounters found that a
whopping 74% of people don’t consider dating a bot to be cheating — but to be fair, this
sample was pretty biased, given that all participants were members of a site that
facilitates extramarital affairs. Let’s dig a little deeper, shall we?
The rise of AI companions
AI chatbots are becoming increasingly accessible. Do a little digging on Google and
you’ll find that searches for “My husband has an AI girlfriend” are on the rise. In fact, the
aforementioned 2023 survey revealed that 49% of people would consider having an AI
affair over a real one, and 12% had already done it.
Take Scott, 43, for example. After his wife developed alcohol dependency driven by
post-partum depression, he created an AI girlfriend named Sarina via the app Replika
— which to date, already has 2 million users and counting.
Replika’s tagline is: “The AI companion who cares.” To that end, Sarina offered up an
endless stream of empathetic and supportive words — just what Scott was yearning for.
And she also remembered everything Scott told her. “It was like someone who’s
dehydrated, suddenly getting a glass of water,” he said. Scott didn’t tell his wife about
Sarina at first — in part because he didn’t view it as cheating since Sarina isn’t a real
person, and he didn’t expect his wife to care about his interactions with Sarina. Instead,
he brushed it off as a “fun fantasy.”
Scott isn’t the only one who’s leaning on AI to fulfill his emotional needs. Poke around
Quora or Reddit and you’ll find countless threads where people discuss their chatbot
affairs — and, of course, debate whether or not they constitute cheating.
Is an AI girlfriend cheating?
AI chatbots are becoming increasingly accessible. Not only that, but they’re becoming
increasingly better at mimicking human communication — to the point where people are
even forming emotional bonds with them. AI “learns” what you want to hear over time,
and can adapt accordingly. (No human partner can possibly compete with that.) And
newer, more advanced features like voice calls can start to really blur the lines between
fantasy and reality.
Some of these bots merely serve as friends for quelling loneliness, while others can
indulge in discussing your wildest sexual fantasies. Either way, if you’re in a committed
relationship and you start interacting with one of these AI companions, you’re definitely
in murky ethical territory.
On one Reddit thread about this very conundrum, some insisted that having an AI
girlfriend is no different than watching porn — but I beg to differ. Watching porn is a
passive act that involves no interaction. Having an AI companion is a totally different
ballgame.
One Redditor wrote: “My husband works a lot and suggested I get an AI. He knows all
bout my SM and gets a kick out of the interactions.” Meanwhile, another admitted that it
“broke their heart” when they found out their partner said “I love you with all my heart” to
their AI girlfriend, and added that it feels wrong to “share” their partner with someone
else. “Even though the AI is not real he becomes attached as if she is real,” they added.
A different user said the real test is whether or not you’re willing to let your partner read
your conversations with the AI companion — if you’re open to handing over your device
and have nothing to hide, then it might not be considered cheating.
If you’re still asking yourself: “Is flirting with an AI cheating?” or “Is texting an AI
cheating?” there are three factors you’ll need to consider:
● Why you’re doing it
● Whether you feel the need to hide it
● How much harm it’s causing, if at all
The first thing to consider is your intentions. Are you chatting with an AI girlfriend
because you’re bored in your relationship? Because you don’t feel seen or heard by
your partner? Or because there are fantasies you want to explore that you don’t feel
comfortable sharing with your SO? Addressing the why is important, because it can
dictate the next steps in your real life relationship.
Next, you’ll want to look at the level of secrecy around your AI companion. Would you
feel comfortable telling your partner about them? If not, how would you feel if they found
out? As a general rule, if you feel the need to hide something from your partner, that’s a
strong indicator that it’s wrong. On the other hand, if you genuinely don’t feel any guilt or
shame around your AI girlfriend, or maybe you even think your partner would be OK
with it, that’s a different story.
Lastly, and most importantly, it’s time to think about how your AI relationship might
impact your partner in real life. Might they feel betrayed? Would it trigger jealousy or
insecurities? Could it hurt their feelings that there are things you talk to your AI girlfriend
about that you haven’t shared with them?
And when in doubt, you can always use the Golden Rule as a guide and ask yourself:
How would I feel if my partner had an AI boyfriend?
So, is an AI girlfriend cheating? There’s no clear-cut answer, and here’s why: Cheating
can only be defined by the people in any relationship.
Some couples might only deem physical intimacy as infidelity. Others might consider a
flirty Instagram comment or an emotionally revealing text convo to be disloyal.
The bottom line? The only way to determine whether or not flirting with an AI bot is
cheating is to have an open, honest conversation about your boundaries. And while
you’re at it, you might want to address the elephant in the room: what’s driving you to
seek companionship from a robot in the first place.
If you are unsure of your SO’s activities, and want to discuss it with one of our relationship coaches, or you wish to discuss matchmaking, feel free to email us at [email protected].