Susan
December 30, 2024
When you think of someone cheating on you, what’s the first image that comes to mind? In all likelihood, it’s finding them in bed with someone else. But did you know that hooking up with someone outside of your relationship isn’t the only way to be unfaithful? Emotional cheating is just as common, and moreover, just as destructive. In fact, some people (especially women) say they feel more betrayed by an emotional affair than a physical one. But what is emotional cheating? And what are the clues to look out for? Spoiler alert: they may be much subtler than you think.
Emotional affairs are happening more often than ever, thanks to social media and smartphones making it easier than ever to meet new people and build connections 24/7 (without your partner ever knowing, I might add). Part of what makes this form of cheating so complicated is that it exists in a kind of gray area. It can be difficult to define when someone has stepped over the line from friendship into an emotional affair. With a traditional affair, the act of engaging in physical intimacy with someone else is what makes it cheating. But with an emotional affair, which involves no sexual contact, it’s often tough to discern a platonic friendship from a more concerning connection.
Fortunately, I’m going to break down not only the signs of emotional cheating but also how to approach your partner if you suspect that something shady is going on.
Emotional cheating definition
Basically, emotional cheating involves forming a deep attachment to or connection with someone who’s not your partner. The person embroiled in an emotional affair may or may not be physically attracted to this person — but regardless, the “cheating” in question here entails building an inappropriately close emotional bond. By using the “other man” or “other woman” as a sounding board or their primary source of emotional support, they’re excluding their partner in a way that can prove incredibly hurtful.
Emotional cheating vs friendship
Here’s the thing. The line between friendship and an emotional affair is extremely blurry. In fact, I’d argue that what some couples might consider emotional cheating, others might not have any problem with. If your partner has friends who are the opposite sex, there may be times when they hang out with them solo, ask for their advice, or even talk to them about their problems. That’s a normal component of friendship. What differentiates an emotional affair is when they begin to always seek out that friend for emotional support in place of, not in addition to you. For example, if whenever they’re dealing with a work crisis they vent to their best female friend instead of you, that’s a red flag.
Emotional cheating vs microcheating
Given the popularity of the term “microcheating” these days, it’s important to distinguish it from emotional cheating. Essentially, microcheating involves individual acts that may be considered small betrayals — for instance, “liking” a few of a hot model’s bikini pics on Instagram or sending a DM to a coworker you think is cute. If it’s something that your partner would be a little bummed out to see (or that could inspire a little jealousy), then it’s probably microcheating. An emotional affair, on the other hand, is something that builds over time. In other words, if microcheating is left unchecked and an increasingly strong connection is made, it can bloom into a full-blown emotional affair.
Emotional cheating signs
They’re spending a lot more time on their phone.
If your SO hasn’t ever been much of a texter or big on social media, and lately they seem to be attached to their phone, that can be one sign of a possible emotional affair. Pay attention if they seem distracted when you’re with them, especially if they’re glued to their device screen or instantly picking up their phone the second they get a notification. An emotional affair often plays out via text, DMing, emailing, etc., so a sudden increase in phone use can suggest that they’re becoming close with someone who’s communicating with them.
They’re more protective of their phone.
Speaking of phones, if they start getting more careful about not letting you see what’s on their phone, that can point to a possible emotional affair as well. Maybe they never leave their phone unattended near you anymore (for example, even taking it into the bathroom when they leave), or maybe they always put it face down on the table or hide the screen when you’re next to them. Either way, if they used to have no problem with you picking up their phone to show them something or do a quick Google search, and now they guard their phone with their life, that’s definitely worth noting. This kind of shady behavior may indicate that they’re afraid of what you might find (like some incriminating convos).
They don’t share big news with you anymore.
Hey, remember how you used to be the first to know whenever your partner got a promotion or had a really bad day? Well, if you noticed that they’re being less and less open with you about the events in their everyday lives, that could be because they’re sharing those things with someone else instead. And even if they’re not having an emotional affair, it’s still a good idea to find out why they might be so closed off.
They won’t shut up about someone else.
OK, this may seem obvious, but if they start constantly bringing up an acquaintance, coworker, etc. in conversation, that tells you that this other person is on their mind a lot. It may seem innocent enough, but pay attention to how excited they get when they talk about this person, or what types of subjects remind your SO of them. And remember: just because they’re talking about someone else a lot doesn’t necessarily mean they’re having an emotional affair with them — yet. In fact, by the time they’re emotionally cheating, they’ll likely be more careful about mentioning that person. That’s why it’s crucial to nip this in the bud ASAP before it becomes more serious.
They randomly pick fights with you.
A partner who’s in an emotional affair will often know deep down that what they’re doing is wrong. And that guilt can make them start to behave — well, pretty weird. Not only will they often become evasive and cold, but they may start lashing out at you out of nowhere, due to the inner conflict they feel about this bond they’re forming outside of the relationship. They may also be secretly comparing you constantly to the person they’re emotionally cheating with, which can start to highlight petty annoyances and differences. Plus, by picking fights with you, they can justify their own actions in seeking out an emotional connection elsewhere.
What to do when your partner is emotionally cheating
Repeat after me: Don’t jump to any conclusions. That said, I can’t stress the importance of trusting your gut feelings enough. So, if you’ve noticed more than one of the aforementioned signs, and your intuition tells you something’s up, then definitely don’t ignore that.
The best thing to do in this situation is to sit down and have an open, honest discussion with your SO in which you lay out some of your concerns. You can start by simply expressing some of the behaviors you’ve noticed, and how it makes you feel, and then give them an opportunity to explain. Pay very close attention to how they respond. If they get super defensive rather than trying to reassure you or make it right, that’s probably a red flag that they feel guilty and are trying to deflect any accusations by gaslighting you.
Hopefully, sharing our observations with your partner will allow you to suss out what’s really going on — because whether or not they’re having an emotional affair, there may be a deeper issue lurking under the surface that’s threatening your connection. And if you conclude that they are emotionally cheating on you, it’s time to get to the bottom of why. Sometimes, an emotional affair happens because one partner isn’t getting what they need out of the relationship — so they seek it elsewhere. For example, maybe they were more comfortable being vulnerable with that person or were afraid of “burdening” you with their problems. You’re allowed to be hurt by their actions, and ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to move past the cheating. But by taking an interest in what they were getting out of the emotional affair and why it started, you just might learn how to be a better partner to them and cultivate a closer relationship.
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