Susan
February 20, 2025
What comes to mind when you hear the word “chivalry”? In all likelihood, it’s a knight in shining armor. While that may be where the origin of the term comes from, chivalry is still widely discussed today specifically in regards to dating. So, is chivalry dead? And if so, why? It’s a controversial subject for sure — but I’m here to tell you: Chivalry is not dead, and in fact, it may very well be the key to wowing your next date. There’s nothing wrong with being courteous, and in a world full of “f*ckbois,” it can actually make you stand out. Ya know how women are often complaining that “there are no good men left”? Well, chivalry could be the answer to proving them wrong. Most men can’t be bothered to look up from their phones to even notice that a woman is approaching the same door, let alone hold it open for her.
If you’re unsure about chivalry’s place in modern-day dating, don’t stress — I’m going to break down exactly what chivalry looks like today, as well as offer some tried-and-true tips for how you can position themselves as a true gentleman in the early stages of courting someone new.
What is chivalry?
According to an online dictionary, the definition of chivalry is: “The combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.” The alternate definition, though, is: “courteous behavior, especially that of a man toward women.” So, there ya go. You don’t have to act like a straight-up knight to be considered chivalrous — you just have to be gallant and well-mannered.
But let’s back up a little bit. Here’s a little history lesson: During medieval times, chivalry was essentially regarded as a male code of conduct for European knights — which dictated how they should behave in everyday life as well as battle. It started to fade in popularity, along with the feudal systems, during the 15th century, and then briefly returned in the 18th and 19th centuries. Centuries later, chivalry is rarely discussed in relation to war and the military. Today, it’s more often applied to how a man should behave in the context of dating.
Does chivalry still exist?
OK, so the big question is: Is chivalry dead? Many women who are accustomed to swiping through Tinder might say it is. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and all the many other unfortunate dating trends that emerged in 2020 and the decade prior are a product of hookup culture — which is essentially the nemesis of chivalry. There is nothing — and I mean nothing — respectful about sending someone a d*ck pic or dropping off the face of the earth after a couple of dates.
The fact is, the medieval knight system depended on this moral code — but nowadays, it’s optional. A 2010 Harris Poll revealed that 8 out of 10 Americans believe women today are treated with less chivalry than they were in the past. So, it’s clear that it’s a lost art. Now, it’s up to you to bring it back.
Obviously, we’ve come a long way since the 15th century, when chivalry was a common code of conduct. Women now make up half the workforce, and they’re fully capable of paying for their own meals and cocktails, thank you very much. But here’s the thing: Was chivalry really ever out of necessity? Not really. It’s a choice — to step up, set the bar high for how a lady should be treated, and in the process, maintain a certain amount of integrity. Basically, it’s saying “I want to take care of you, not because I think you need to be taken care of, but merely because it makes me feel good.”
Is chivalry still relevant?
Following the women’s liberation movement of the 1960s, which promoted the equal treatment of women, it makes sense why many feminists might regard chivalry as sexist — because it suggests that women need men to protect them. The idea is that by encouraging chivalry to exist, women are actually supporting the notion that they’re the “weaker” sex.
So, is chivalry outdated? Not if you consider that it’s really just about respect. And you can recognize that a woman is self-sufficient while also offering to be helpful to her. A woman can open her own door, sure — but if a guy opens it for her on a date, what he’s saying is: “Let me there for you.” And what’s wrong with being courteous? I think we could all use a little bit more of that when it comes to dating, especially in a Tindering society.
All that said, it ultimately comes down to the specific act. There are some chivalrous behaviors that women may appreciate very much, and others that can, in some situations, seem outdated. For example — ordering for a woman at a restaurant, which may very well annoy your date, especially if she has particular tastes. A more acceptable option would be ordering her favorite drink when you first get to the bar so it’s waiting for her when she arrives. You can skip standing when a woman leaves the table or enters a room or lifting your hat when you greet a woman, too — that can seem downright archaic in the 21st century.
How to be a gentleman on a date
Now you may be wondering: What is chivalry today? Or, more specifically, how is chivalry shown today? Examples of chivalry in today’s society include, but are not limited to:
- Sharing your umbrella when she forgot to bring one
- Grabbing her coat from coat check when you’re preparing to leave, or draping yours over her shoulders when she gets cold on a walk
- Letting her order first when you’re out at a restaurant
- Letting her go through a door or get into the elevator first
- Standing up for her if you notice she’s being harassed
- Offering to walk her home (but respecting her if she doesn’t feel comfortable with that)
- Texting her to make sure she got home safe after a date
Other chivalrous acts that can make you stand out involve your digital communication habits. A study by dating site Match.com surveyed over 500 women of all ages about what types of modern chivalry they want from a guy. A whopping 84% of women said the most important thing to them is for a man to call when he says he will. 83% said they like their date to check in and make sure they got home safely. Another 80% of women said they appreciate when their guy sends thoughtful texts during the day, and 78% expect them to turn off their phones during dates (I can’t emphasize this one enough: “phubbing” is always a big no-no if you ever want to see her again.) 73% of women said they like men to pick them up for a date, while 72% said they want their guy to know how they like their coffee or tea. So, there you have it: all it might take to win her over is knowing her regular Starbucks order — and to up your game, go grab her go-to bev while she’s still sleeping in the morning so she’s got some caffeination on deck right when she wakes up!
Other ways you can win major points, according to the Match survey, is by allowing her to use your phone when her battery dies (76%), letting her pick what you watch on Netflix (64%), posting pics as a couple on social media (63%) and paying for the Uber ride home (59%). How’s that for modern-day chivalry? Some other chivalrous acts that fit the present day include texting to follow up after a date to reiterate that you had a nice time, and taking initiative in planning dates (rather than making her do all the work).
One of my favorite chivalrous acts is walking on the outside of her when you’re strolling down the street together. It’s so subtle, but it speaks volumes — it shows that you value her enough to want to keep her safe.
Some acts of chivalry are a tad more controversial, and how they’re received will really depend on the individual woman. For example, many women may feel strongly that a guy should offer to cover the bill — at least in the beginning of courtship. There are also some women who might be offended if he insists to pay because they perceive it as a sign that the man doesn’t think she’s financially independent. I say it’s a good idea to always offer to pay. Reach for the card, make the effort. If she tries to object (and she may just be trying to be polite), you can say something like, “I’d really love to cover this since I invited you out.” From there, if it seems clear she still doesn’t appreciate the gesture, then it’s time to back off and let her go Dutch. Insisting on it when she’s making her feelings known will only be a red flag.
In case you haven’t noticed, the gist here is to do what you say you’re going to do — because a chivalrous man is a man of his word — and to know when to let her take the lead and when to take charge yourself. Finding the right balance of chivalry for your own dating life may take some trial and error, but remember: you never have to be alone. As a matchmaker, I can help you to find — and develop — your own distinct brand of chivalry. You know, the kind that leaves a lasting impression on your date, and better yet, always leaves her wanting more.
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