Floodlighting in Dating: Why It’s a Toxic Red Flag

Have you ever been on a date when someone opens up immediately, sharing intimate and personal information right away? It can often feel overwhelming, and can create a feeling that your date trusts you and feels comfortable by telling you things with honesty and vulnerability. 

Enter the newest toxic dating trend: “floodlighting.” 

The term, coined by researcher Brené Brown, comes from shining a floodlight on someone. That person—the recipient—may feel under pressure or in the spotlight after receiving personal information from their date. As a result, intimacy may be accelerated due to a false sense of openness. 

Jessican Alderson, co-founder of the dating app So Synced, told Glamour in an article that “It involves sharing a lot of personal details all at once — to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or see if the other person can ‘handle’ these parts of you.”

Of course, some people are authentically vulnerable, but building trust and being open should be a slow and timely process that is mutually shared. If one person is overly sharing before the other, boundaries could be crossed. 

We dive into the warning signs and how this could be problematic if you’re experiencing a floodlighter on the first few dates. 

What is Floodlighting in Dating? 

Floodlighting is when someone shares personal information early on, before intimacy has even occurred or been established. Some experts believe that since social media has made people more vulnerable and open online, there has been an increase in people opening up early in real life. 

Psychological Reports published a 2022 study that found that excessive oversharing was associated with social media addiction, attention-seeking, and anxiety in adolescents. 

Relationships develop gradually, according to the “social penetration theory.” Compared to the layers of an onion, intimacy should develop over time and progress into deeper emotions as time moves on, not on the first date. 

At first glance, floodlighting doesn’t seem so harmful. Don’t we want transparency, trust, and vulnerability? Sure, but not always on the first date. And not always when the person is sharing deep-rooted trauma. 

What floodlighting isn’t: “I’m just here for something casual,” or “I’m looking for a long-term relationship.” 

What floodlighting is: “When I was a child, my father…” or sharing other stories of abuse and trauma to connect or regulate emotions. 

Someone may implement floodlighting because: 

• They have an anxious attachment style and are eager to create an intimacy out of fear of abandonment. 
• They would like to speed up intimacy with their date out of maliciousness. 
• They have unresolved trauma and would like to build a trustworthy, secure connection. 
• They have a hard time regulating emotions and would like to fast-track the need to be understood and accepted. 

Floodlighters aren’t necessarily bad dates or bad people. They may genuinely be oversharing because they want their date to know and understand them. But sharing should come from a natural place that develops over time. 

Floodlighting can be problematic when:

• It is one-sided, meaning the receiver feels overwhelmed with intense and heavy information. 
• It creates pressure on the other person and makes them feel like they need to share trauma even if they aren’t ready. 
• It makes the recipient uncomfortable. 
• It feels manipulative. 
• It leads to an imbalance and makes one person the caretaker before they have even shared their emotions. 
• It can push the recipient away. 

Floodlighting can also impact the person oversharing, as they can feel exposed, and if the recipient feels pushed away, they can spiral with feelings of rejection. 

What Are The Signs of Floodlighting?

Floodlighting may not be obvious at first, and you may even be excited that a person is sharing their story. 

Sisanie, American talk cohost of On Air With Ryan Seacrest, said that floodlighters can also hard launch their therapy diagnoses right away, “making you feel obligated to comfort them.” 

Key warning signs of the toxic dating trend include: 

• Quickly sharing personal information that goes deeper than “my parents are divorced,” and more into the side effects and trauma of their parents’ divorce, for example. 
• If you haven’t been able to share anything about yourself. 
• If someone is seeking validation. 
• If your date is trying to test how far they can go with their insecurities, relationship history, or past traumas, and how you can handle this information. 

Floodlighting vs. Breadcrumbing: What’s the Difference?

While both terms are associated with toxic behaviors, breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested. The person is vague, sends sporadic texts, and keeps you wanting more. 

Breadcrumbing can lead to false hope, and the person is typically emotionally unavailable. 

Floodlighters overshare and push someone away. Breadcrumbers give little to no effort to keep someone hooked. 

Floodlighting is somewhat similar to love bombing, but instead of showering someone with gifts and love, a floodlighter showers their date with childhood trauma or past relationship breakups. 

What to Do if You’re on a Date with a Floodlighter?

As we’ve discussed, floodlighting can be a problematic dating trend. If you find yourself on a date and feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable with the intensity of their vulnerability, here are a few ways to diffuse the situation. 

• Redirect the conversation toward a lighter topic. 
• Let the person know you’re feeling overwhelmed. 
• Let the person know the conversation feels unbalanced. 
• Tell your date that you’d like to go at a slower pace and get to know each other organically. 
• Look out for other red flags. 

Overall, there’s more awareness around emotional boundaries and feeling secure on dates and in relationships. Check in with yourself throughout dates. If you feel taken advantage of emotionally, speak up. Oftentimes, floodlighters don’t even realize they are doing anything wrong or participating in a toxic dating trend. Discussing the unbalanced conversation can help shed light on setting emotional boundaries. 

Healthy relationships with vulnerability takes time to build—take the time you need, be direct with discomfort, and pay attention to toxic dating trend warning signs. If you are in need of dating advice, or need matchmaking, please fill out this form, and we will be in touch.